


Heaven? So be it, but HAPPY!

by spoilerfreak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15.20 coda, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bobby - the gatekeeper of the heavenly bliss, Coda, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean goes to Heaven, Destiel - Freeform, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Family Reunion, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Sam knew all along, The bridge scene but with Cas, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, my mind on overdrive, no beta we die like men, spn 15x20, the writers could've fixed it so easily, too much hugging, what the HELL was that?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27644480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoilerfreak/pseuds/spoilerfreak
Summary: Bobby passed him the beer."So Jack did all that..."Bobby nodded: "Well, Cas helped-"Cas.Dean's heart skipped a beat.He remarked on the quality of the shitty beer but his heart wasn't in it. His whole body was waiting for the next chance to speak. "-it's a big new world out there. You'll see," he heard Bobby say."So... Where is he..."he asked matter of factly, but he could see it on Bobby's face: he understood."Just follow that road. He's there," Bobby pointed to the lake.My rewrite of this trainwreck of a finale, Dean could get the Heaven he deserves with one additional sentence and we could almost forgive all the bullshit we were served.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, John Winchester/Mary Winchester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 223





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my version of Dean's ending, despite the disservice that was done to those characters, this ending was what my sleep-deprived brain came up with at 4 AM after finishing the finale in my time zone. This is the coda ending that allowed me to fall asleep peacefully and with a smile on my lips. Here you go, maybe you can accept it as yours as well.

Everything was somehow brighter, the colors were radiant, the air was warm and smelled different, like he was not breathing properly until now, as if he's suddenly put on glasses or something.

It seemed unreal. Maybe because he had never truly felt he deserved to go to heaven, he had never really allowed himself to even hope for a happy ending, or for any resemblance of peace after everything was said and done. Dean was still processing everything that has happened, but it felt like his whole system was just... buffering... Maybe because just a moment ago he felt terrified and betrayed even angry at the world and fate and everything. And now? He was seeing Bobby, his Bobby, happy and content, telling him that mom and dad live just over there. He almost expected Bobby to start shouting at him, something along the lines of: "Of all the stupid ways to die..." But maybe he knew it would be pointless anyway now.

Bobby passed him a beer. It was cold. Definitely not something he did expect.

"So Jack did all that..."

Bobby nodded: "Well, Cas helped-"

 _Cas._ Dean's heart skipped a beat. _Maybe, maybe this could be.._. he smiled. The heavy feeling in his chest, the chill of dying that has settled in his bones, the bitternes on his tongue from checking out because of a bloody nail just when he finally got his life for himself, they all subsided a bit.

It felt like his heart was chanting: Cas, Cas, Cas with every beat.

He remarked on the quality of the shitty beer but his heart wasn't in it. His whole body was waiting for the next chance to speak.

"-it's a big new world out there. You'll see," he heard Bobby say.

And then there was a pause.

"So... where is he..." he asked matter of factly, but he could see it on Bobby's face: he understood.

His throat felt tight all of a sudden.

"Just follow that road. He's there," Bobby nodded to the other side of the lake, his eyes twinkling with softness. Dean glanced at the road. His baby was sitting in all its glory next to the lake. He smiled. _They really did think of everything._ He got up and turned back to Bobby. He raised the beer and nodded back to him. He'll catch up later.

He caressed the black hood and a sigh escaped his lips. Not a scratch. But there's time for that later too. His eyes were already leading him to the road curving around the lake. He felt at peace somehow. Suddenly it occurred to him: he's got nothing but time.

Beer still in hand, he headed along the lake. The air was buzzing around him, in sync with his own head. Every day since the Empty took him away, he prayed to Cas, to Jack, to anything really, to help him make it right, to get _him_ back. Was this their twisted sense of a fix? Was it really Cas at the end of the road? His heart felt constricted and it made it a little bit too hard to breathe despite the lovely air. He had no earthly idea what he would say should he really see him. The days after he was gone, they all brought him things he should have said, was supposed to say, the normal reactions, but none of it felt possible, he couldn't even utter those words to himself. He shook his head. What mattered was that he was here and the angel was somewhere close.

A few minutes in, the road began to open up, revealing a clearing with a perfect pier, as if made for peaceful fishing. A small house guarded the entrance to the forrest at the end of the clearing with a couple of bee houses on the side. The corners of Dean's lips turned upward. In front of the house, there was a pile of freshly cut lumber, a blue and green flannel shirt slung over the axe handle that was sticking in the log. The door was wide open and as if on cue, Cas walked out, his own cold beer in one hand, wiping his mouth with the other.

Just as Castiel's eyes landed on him, the beer collided with the wooden floor of the porch spilling over his shoes, but he seemed to pay no attention to it.

He looked well. Jeans and a dark t-shirt, hair a mess and his skin kissed by sunlight.

"Hello," Dean said, the sentence so familiar, yet belonging to the lips of the other man. His footsteps heavy, he walked the short distance to the porch, attempting to set his own beer on the steps, but audibly failing as the bottle toppled and landed in the grass with a soft 'clink'. He was however already on the porch, eyes locked on the unmoving man before him.

"Dean," Castiel breathed. The angel's face was a mixture of shock and sadness, but expecting just the same. "How are you- what-"

"A bloody nail," Dean raised his hands in self-defense shaking his head. "I got impaled. Long story, stupid ending," he explained with a husky voice, unable to hide the happiness visible on his face just from seeing the angel standing in front of him.

Castiel opened his mouth again, just as Dean finally closed the distance and crashed into him, hugging him tightly. "It's so good to see you, man." There were wood shavings in his hair and on his shirt, and he was warm and smelled of wood and of Cas and... it felt like home. Dean knew he was crushing him, but that didn't stop him from pulling him in even tighter. Castiel's hands tentatively circled his back and he began leaning into him. Head on his shoulder, chest slowly rising and falling. Dean knew the hug lasted long enough for a greeting, but he was not ready to let go. That would mean he would have to speak. He would have to address the angel's last confession.

Upon realizing it, he felt his heart start hammering in his chest, he was sure Cas must feel it too.

"Dean..." Cas started into the side of Dean's neck, taking a deep breath. "The last time we-"

"No," Dean breathed. _I'm not ready yet._ But he felt the angel tense beneath his arms. _That came out wrong._ So, he _has to_ say it now. His feet felt cold, a weight on his chest. _You are not a coward. You are a fucking Winchester, for Jack's sake!_ "I have to..." He took a deep breath. "...you..." Cas started to pull away but Dean fisted the back of his t-shirt and held him in place, still unable to look him in the face. "I... I couldn't say it. Dammit I still can't say it... I am not good at..." _Why was this so fucking hard?_ "You said, you know you could.... never have it-"

"You are not obligated to say anything, Dean," he heard Castiel's pained voice.

 _Son of a bitch._ He finally pulled away, roughly taking Cas's face into his hands. The angel's eyes were watery again. His own were starting to sting too. Dean realized that this was it, his selfish moment, where he gets to have something for himself. Looking into those blue eyes he realized he needs to claim some happiness for himself too. "Let's make one thing clear, out of the two dumbasses between the two of us, you have always been the oblivious one-" a wet chuckle escaped from Cas.

"- if you thought..." Dean gulped, gripped Castiel's hand in his and brought it to his own heart. "If you don't know that you CAN have this... have me," his voice broke. There, his heart on his sleeve while also hammering almost painfully against his ribcage, hoping Cas can read everything unsaid in his eyes.

The angel's face was overcome with emotion, tears on the verge of spilling.

"So, is this heaven, 'cause-" Cas attempted to crack a joke in a hoarse voice just as Dean closed the distance again and captured his lips with a grin on his face. His mouth glided against the angel's soft lips, a familiar ache in his belly when Cas buried his fingers in his scalp and pulled him closer. It took them a moment to find the right angle but then they did and Dean's knees almost gave out. There was some part of him whispering: it's only so good because it took you so long to get here, it's only perfect because it was inevitable. But then Castiel started to open his mouth in return, and a soft sob escaped from his throat which Dean promptly swallowed in a burning kiss. And maybe, he thought, as they started to kiss properly, kiss deeply, melting into each other, there was the simple fact that it was just that good. Because it _was_ inevitable but it was also right.

_So why the hell did it take them this long?_

He still did not feel deserving, he still struggled accepting the fact that Cas could really love his emotionally dense ass. And even as he softened the kiss and pulled Castiel toward the inside of the house, he still could not believe that he is allowed to have it. That he is allowed to have a second chance with this man or angel or whatever came out of the Empty. That he will be allowed to explore his feelings whatever they are. So what if he can't say it yet, so what if he doesn't feel deserving? He will guard this piece of happiness with everything he has, hold on tight and never let go again.

* * *

Dean pulled the Impala by the bridge. The sun was about to set, coloring everything in its golden red, the river catching its light and reflecting it back. The car was silent in anticipation, it was almost time. He was almost here. Nobody uttered a word as Dean stepped out of the car, leaning on the railing. Jack said today was the day. When they would reunite once more.

And there he was. Walking toward him down the road and joining him at the railing. He looked exactly as he always remembered him, toweringly tall with that stupid hair of his. "Hey, Sammy," Dean smiled warmly. Sam smiled brightly, holding back tears. "Dean." It has been too long. They were supposed to get old together. To become two grumpy retired old hunters with their found families and a lot of baggage. Instead they found themselves here, hugging tightly and smiling through tears, finally feeling right.

"So you've got a son, you old sap," Dean remarked as he finally let go and slapped his back.

Sam nodded. "Dean," he sniffed. "He has green eyes like you, he looks like dad, but is more like his mum."

"Yeah, Eileen joined us earlier, she graciously agreed to wait for you at home, because as you can see," Dean smirked pointing to the Impala, "we were full."

That's when Sam finally noticed that while the shotgun seat remained empty, the backseat was pretty crowded. In this order, Mary, Cas and John were sitting crammed there, none of them exactly rejoicing over the seating arrangement. Dad was looking the other way with mock grumpiness, mum was rolling her eyes with a fond smirk, Cas was the one awkwardly sitting there with hands in his lap looking out of the car.

And while they all understandingly granted them this private reunion, as soon as it was obvious the conversation turned to them, they began to promptly spill out of the car with a loud commentary. Sam half expected them to start pushing each other like little siblings do.

"Sammy," Mary got out first with Dean's help, placed a hand on Sam's cheek and smiled. "Welcome home." He hugged her first, then his father, who joined their foreheads and smiled. "Son," he got out emotionally.

Suddenly they were all hugging, even Dean who protested the _entire_ time. They all knew there was a lot left unsaid between them, even some bad blood, but what they knew was that there was finally time for them to maybe try and fix it, to be a family, with nothing hanging over their heads.

Cas was standing by the open door smiling at them softly, when Sam finally got out of the tooth-achingly sweet family reunion. _Were they always this sappy?_

"Hey, Cas," he smiled and embraced him too. "I've always wondered where you ended up. You were my biggest regret until Jack finally fessed up. You good?"

"Perfect, in fact," Castiel confirmed glancing behind Sam.

"Can't wait to hear it all, but I would really like to get to my wife now," Sam said almost longingly. It's been a while too. He hadn't realized how much he had actually missed her after that time, until he was actually on the same plane of existence as her. 

"After you," Dean grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed towards the Impala as the group started to squeeze into the car again. "Cas, personal space! We've talked about this," John complained with a slight shove and exasperated sigh. Dean was smiling as he started the car and Mary caressed Sam's hair again from the back seat with affection.

"So how have you all been? What is this heaven like?" inquired Sam trying to pass the time.

Dean snorted. "You'll have to wait for Bobby, he has proclaimed himself the official 'Gatekeeper to the Heavenly Bliss'. Got brochures and everything."

Sam laughed. "Really?"

"No, Sam, Dean is exaggerating as always," Cas said in his typical 'it's just Dean being silly' deep voice.

Dean glanced into the back mirror and Sam watched his eyes meet Castiel's in a tender and warm stare. Dean's eyes returned to the road, but Sam's fell on the ring on his finger. He looked between Dean and Cas with a corresponding one on his hand. "You didn't!" he exclaimed.

He saw Dean grip the steering wheel tighter, the ends of his ears turning pink. Cas on the other hand beamed like Father Christmas, happy he finally noticed: "Ten years ago."

They've never talked about this. Sam knew but he never would have thought his brother would ever admit it, not to himself and especially not to the world. Dean glanced at him and it pricked Sam's heart, the knowing that Dean was a bit wary of his reaction. "He wouldn't stop nagging," Dean said jokingly into the mirror.

Sam placed his palm on Dean's shoulder."I am so happy for you." He turned to Cas. "Both of you."

Dean shook his head with a smile and nodded. He never should have doubted him.

"Jack officiated the ceremony," Mary said smiling. "It was beautiful."

"It was raining," Dean countered fondly.

"Your're kidding!" Sam laughed.

"Charlie was the best man... well woman," Castiel added.

"Bobby volunteered as the flower girl," John joined shaking his head. "It was horrendous," he added with a thundering laughter. 

The cursed image unwillingly slipped into the minds of all the car's passengers and they all began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Must have been amazing," Sam said wiping the tears that appeared from laughing as the car sped on the road to their destination. His heart was overflowing with happiness for this family he had here. They could rest now, all was well.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is not everything they deserve, they deserve an ending which does not forget the journey they went through, an ending where the universe gives them something back, an ending where Dean does not die a pointless death and gets to figure out what to do with his life on his own terms. An ending where Castiel is part of this found family they have built for themselves. And I might write it one of these days, Jack knows we all need another fix (it) to get through it.


	2. The After or How things can get pretty sad pretty fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is wrong with his human. Heaven or not, Dean hasn't gotten out of bed for the past twenty-five hours and it wasn't Cas keeping him there.
> 
> Cas and Dean reunited in heaven, but then the reality settled in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set before the Winchester brothers reunite in my last scene. Filling some necessary development before we can move to the domestic bliss and the exploration of feelings.

It started out great actually, everything was perfect. He and Jack laid the finishing touches to the new Heaven. Everyone was starting to get settled and quite satisfied. Except for Mary who was still giving hell to John. But oh well, there was some controversy among the residents whether John was even supposed to be here in the first place, so Cas left them to it. Served him right to get some cold shoulder after his A+ parenting. Cas was getting settled too, keeping himself busy with repairs, and his bees and the house, trying to keep his mind occupied, all the while ignoring the nagging feeling in his chest, that hole inside it that he knew would not be filled anytime soon. But that was his fault anyway, right?

Then Dean came to Heaven, effectively shocking Cas to his core. That was not supposed to happen. He made sure of it. He was not supposed to die now. As much as the hole inside his heart ached and he selfishly longed to have Dean by his side and as much Cas following his confession feared Dean's reaction upon their meeting in 40 someting years, Cas also loved Dean with his whole being (which was a lot let's be honest - the intensity of his love could overwhelm most people, never mind this broken lovely being he fell in love with). So he would rather die than wish him anything less than a happy long life, even if it had to be with someone else.

But then Dean confessed his feelings, well in a way, in his own "Dean" way, but Cas did not care for the form. He was overjoyed. After believing for so long that his feelings were unrequited, after unsucessfully hiding them for almost a decade, it turned out Dean didn't consider him only a brother or a best friend. It was strange, trying to convince yourself that your instincts were not that far off, that the affection radiating from Dean's eyes was not a figment of your imagination after all, that those were genuine romantic feelings. It felt surreal even to Cas and surreal was his second nature.

He kept clinging to Dean even as they came up for air and Dean kept pressing soft kisses in his mouth. Cas felt drunk, his lips and lungs burning. They parted for a few seconds again and Cas cupped Dean's jaw before he could kiss him again and just held him in place. He wanted to just look at him, it felt like he had to make sure. That he could see the change, the newly acquired feelings on his face. They were both breathing pretty hard, Dean's lips wet and plump from kisses: a vision Cas had never seen before and had to hold himself not to devour him right this moment- so he just kept devouring him with his eyes until Dean's ears and neck turned a lovely shade of pink.

"Hi," Dean smiled shyly dropping his gaze.

"Hello," he smiled and melted. This was Dean when no one was around, his affection was shy but passionate at once. He was quite physical and sexual but any sign of intimate affection and suddenly it was an unknown and scary territory for Dean.

***

Dean was starting to panic.

They reunited, they kissed and they they kept on kissing because, all of a sudden, staying too far from Cas appeared to be an unfeasible concept. His heart felt like it could not take any more, the endorphines bombarding his system made him light in the head. But even that did not stop him from overthinking, it just meant it was less coherent. He wanted to be close to him, the pull he has been ignoring all these years was stronger than ever. He spent years believing angels could not feel such things, that it was just their "more profound bond" acting up everytime they have interacted. That Cas had this effect on everyone. Everyone must feel that electricity right? Because he was an angel, because that's how he was, awkward and intense and touchy-feely, everything that Dean was not. So, yes, he was a moron. That's what he was.

Now that all this intensity was aimed at him, he was out of his depth.

They parted and Cas just kept staring at him. He did not know what to do, he felt shy, no-one has ever looked at him like this. He has dated women before, he was even in one relationship that lasted longer than a month, but he wasn't used to this. He was starting to realize the full weight behind Castiel's stare and he couldn't even begin to comprehend the amount of love in those blue eyes.

So he got scared.

Maybe he was not cut out for this. What if he couldn't do this? He wasn't good at this. At feelings, at communicating his desires. For too long his world turned around saving his father, his brother, the world. His mind oscilating between where is my gun and which way is the monster under the bed. His heart being constantly crushed, his mind in shambles, everyone he's ever touched kept dying on him.

And now? There was no one there but Cas. There was no one there. The thought sent shivers down his spine. He hasn't been truly alone in forever. He has always been with Sam or dad, and when he was not with them he was searching for them, or trying to get them back, or resurrect them. There was the one time he was with Lisa, the short time he was allowed to try for a family, but even that did not work out, even that was a promise to his brother- a futile attempt to try and forget. But now... Now he was truly alone for this. He was alone in his head for this. He was scared actually, of being just this, just himself - no hunting, just him living his life, just being with Cas. They were alone here. No one to keep him in check, no threat over his head, no Sam to interrupt the moment. Sure there were his parents somewhere across the lake, and the friends he had lost along the way, and Bobby. But they were not here. They were alone.

And then it fully hit him.

***

Something was wrong with his human.

Everything seemed perfect until Dean exclaimed he was tired. They were sitting on the porch silently watching the sunset, Cas was mindlessly playing with Deans fingers as they rested next to him on the steps. Cas felt his eyebrows rise. They were in heaven, they never had to sleep if they didn't want to. But Cas could see Dean getting further and further inside his own head as the time passed on. His fingers were becoming unrestful and even Cas's gentle touch could not soothe them. Dean wasn't looking at him, his eyes gradually becoming unrestful and shiny as well.

Cas made a few attempts catching his stare and his attention, but when Dean's shoulders sagged even further, he just got up and took Dean's hand to get him to follow him. They ascended the stairs in a complete silence and when they reached the bedroom under the roof with a massive bed under a big window, Dean just dropped his hand and headed for the bed. He sat on it heavily, bones cracking.

That's when Cas realized something was very wrong. His Dean would never pass on the opportunity to crack some wildly inappropriate joke about Cas seducing him into his bed so soon.

But Dean just took off his shoes and the flannel shirt and lied on his side facing the wall, Cas wasn't sure what to do. He slowly approached the bed, took of his shoes as well and climbed up to him, carefully as if approaching a wounded animal.

He placed a warm hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean," he whispered. "What happened?"

"Nothing," came a lie. "I am tired, Cas. Can we just sleep?"

Cas just pursed his lips.

"Yes."

He took the blanket from the end of the bed and gently placed it around Dean. As he was getting back to his side, Dean caught his hand.

Okay then. This was Dean's way of saying: Don't be angry. Stay. So Cas did, he let Dean pull him to him, lying behind Dean and pressing closer to him, one hand in Dean's wraped around his torso, the other hand under his own head. Something was very wrong when this man, who avoided intimacy like a plague lets himself be comforted in this way. Lets himself be held like this in a completely vulnerable way.

Their forms pressed together and Cas could feel Dean's slow heartbeat and it startled him. It actually sounded tired, slow and heavy beats and his breathing was a little off too. Cas sent off a bit of healing energy Dean's way, a sort of a soothing glow around them, but it did not seem to take.

Whatever was wrong with Dean it was not physical. There seemed to be something heavy on Dean's mind that was just out of reach for him.

After lying together for a while, the shadows got longer until the room was dunked in darkness and Dean's breathing evened out. He was asleep.

Dean didn't wake up the next morning, he didn't wake up at noon either.

Cas got out of bed before noon and made some coffee and toast to maybe get him out by the smell of it. Nothing. He even brought it to the room but without a reaction. Dean woke up later in the afternoon, sleep heavy in his eyes, Cas was sitting in the armchair with a small frown. He has been watching him for hours, pondering about what was happening.

Dean's stare fell on him, he grimaced. "What time is it?" Weird, the normal Dean's reaction should be something along the lines of: "Cas, you are staring. Cut it out."

"Four," Cas said patiently. Dean nodded. He got up, Cas silently watched him go to the loo, come back and get into bed again.

"Dean, what's wrong? You can tell me," Cas repeated.

"I am tired, Cas," he said gruffly. "Can we not do this?"

"What, Dean? I am not doing anything."

Dean was silent.

"I'll leave you alone then." And Dean let him. And it wasn't supposed to hurt that much.

Dean kept sleeping for the whole afternoon, then Dean just resigned and let Cas get a piece of toast into him. He slept the whole night. It really seemed like he was dead tired. Done, lifeless, dead.

By the end of the second day, Cas went to see Bobby.

"He's not getting up from bed," he started exasperated.

"You tied him up or somethin'?" Bobby winked.

"Dean and I do not partake in any sexual activity if that's what you mean," Cas explained bluntly.

Bobby turned red like everytime a joke meant to embarrass Cas turned against him.

"He keeps sleeping and not eating, something is wrong with him."

"Maybe he is really tired, he slept two to four hours a day for years. Maybe he's catching up," Bobby didn't sound like he was believing his own words either.

"Just give him time," he said gently and patted his shoulder. "It's been a lot for him."

Cas sighed. "I'll give him time then," he turned to leave."Thank you, Robert."

"Cas?" Bobby stopped him. "Just don't let him drive you away. It's his defense mechanism. He needs you now."

Cas nodded and left. He would never leave him.

***

His mind kept swimming, his body ached. Boy, was he tired. Not like after a long day tired. More like completely exhausted. His mind just kept convincing his body he was weak, he felt weak, like his soul weighted a ton. Leaving bed seemed impossible. He didn't open his eyes. Cas was probably there. He would ask questions, he would mother him, worry, casting side-glances, trying to get him to talk but he just couldn't explain it.

All life just left him. His mind was full and empty at the same time. It was like coming through a fog. The only clear thing was the realization that his brain finally registered standing in Cas's arms. The full truth of what being here with Cas truly meant. _He was dead._ It pierced through him and left him gasping on the floor of his mind.

He died. He died like he always thought he would, he died hunting, he died where he began: with his brother, with Sammy, traumatising him for life, leaving him alone. He felt cold, freezing ice circulating inside his bloodstream. He started shaking and opened his eyes. Cas wasn't there. He was alone. How fitting... Was he even really here or was he just a wishful hallucination?

The sun was starting to set again. How long was it since he came here? Two days? Three? He pulled the blanket tightly around his shoulders but it was of no help. The chill was coming from inside him. He firmly shut his eyes and tried to imagine what warmth looked like: Sun flickering across closed eyelids. Cas. Warm hood of the Imapala. Cas. A cup of coffee. And Cas. His icy blues kept invading his thoughts, but instead of cold they made him hot all over, Castiel's soft but warm body a distant memory (or was it a memory?) Cas's hands burning a path along his jaw, whispering: "Dean, Dean." He shuddered.

"Dean." Cas's voice was more urgent now, his hands cold not warm on his face. "Dean!" He was being pulled from the fog and he gladly followed the voice.

"You're burning," Cas whispered and Dean felt himself being pulled into the angel's arms. He tried to protest but all his strenght was gone. "You're making yourself sick. Just... let me take care of you." A familiar warm energy embalmed him again, and his body stopped shaking. Cas was still here with him.

Hot tears spilled on his cheeks and he grasped the angel's hand.

"Talk to me, Dean," Cas said in a low soft voice into his hair.

"It's stupid," he got out dismissively.

"I'm sure it's not."

"Yeah it is, well- I was stupid, because I thought, for just a moment," Dean fell silent his eyes rapidly blinking, "that the universe kinda owed me something, you know. How stupid is that, right? " he pushed out wetly. "I thought I got out finally, I got away from Chuck, my dad was gone, no apocalypse, no Lucifer, I could you know, get out. Find you," Cas's arms pulled him tighter. "Get you back. Live-" The last word barely a whisper. The next sentence escaped in a hearwrenching sob. "I didn't want to die."

Cas's heart was breaking. Breaking over this man who had so much life in him but now lied in his arms, small and too broken, all will to live stomped and shattered. His cheeks were wet too and he kept pressing small kisses into Dean's hair.

"It's selfish and greedy. How can I ask for anything more than this? I should be happy. You and my friends and heaven, right? You built it for me. Why am I not happy, Cas? What's wrong with me?!"

"Nothing, nothing's wrong with you," Cas whispered again and again into his temple.

Dean was crying like he's never seen him crying. Like he would never stop. Sobs tugging at his body and forcefully escaping his lips.

And Cas let him, he let him cry for what seemed like forever, he was crying too, tears dripping down his chin and his neck pooling on Dean's shirt and hair. He understood now. Dean was grieving. He was grieving the life he could've had. The life he allowed himself to wish for for a fleeting moment. And Cas mourned too, he mourned for the man he was holding in his arms, who he pulled out of the Hell broken at a time he was lost himself. They pieced themselves together and somewhere in between they fell in love with each other. And in some way or the other, it was over now. Cas understood. Dean needed to grieve before he could move on.

And then he needed a funeral.


End file.
